LAst CAll

Show Me on Emmanuel Lewis Where Michael Touched You

Corey Feldman wakes up one morning, realizes he's so far from famous that only embarassing "recovered memories" about sex with Michael Jackson will get him a 16th minute of fame.

Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby,

What happened to Vince Vaughn?  He looks like he's been run over by a truck.

Signed,

Swingin' at a Star

Dear Swingin',

You ain't just whistlin' Dixie about that truck -- and, if I can take a guess at what that truck may have read on its side, it was "Pink Elephant Liquors."  It's been four years since Vaughn was arrested outside a North Carolina bar for his part in a brawl during which Steve Buscemi was stabbed several times (proof that God has turned a deaf ear to all of us, Buscemi lived).  Between then and now, it appears have been more of the same for Ben Stiller's third banana, without the benefit of the occasional oxygen tent or a drying-out in the sun, which even Tara Reid has the sense to do -- even if she doesn't have the mental clarity not to spontaneously engage in a little lesbianoic cuddling with Nicole Richie in the process).

Crabby's advice to Vince?  Lay off the booze -- and pray Jon Favreau stays small enough to star in a "Swingers: 10 Years Later" sitcom in the not-too-distant future.

P.S.  Vince -- the plaid shirt is cool if you're, like, a 21-year-old web designer with the body of an ex-athlete who has found Christ in a 168-hour-a-week coke habit.  Otherwise, you just end up looking like the guy across the street who always used to weed-whack his lawn when the 13-year-old girls were lying out in their bikinis.

P.P.S. Owen -- your nose is a penis.

Really? PROMISE?!?

Hugh Grant Signals End to Acting Career

That's funny.  And here I thought the fact that no one goes to see his movies anymore signalled the end to his acting career. Hmm.

P.S.

Cybill Sheperd is not allowed to come with us.

Ever Wonder...

Okay, so I guess I'm not the only person who wonders about this sort of crap. Obviously PrimeTime Live does, too: what Michael Jackson might look like at age 45, without plastic surgery. All apologies, Michael! No wonder you wanted to look like the illegitimate child of Joan Crawford and Sammy Davis, Jr.

Scarier yet: Jon Benet at 12, Meg Ryan as a "castaway" (more like Rastafarian homeless woman, if you ask me), and the guy's own digital art.

Via Metafilter, seemingly back up and going strong.

Brown-Nosing

Choire defends Tina. All I have to add is, the media licks Paris Hilton like a lollipop and trips over itself to trash Tina Brown: further evidence our country is going to hell in a handbasket. If Anna Wintour didn't have the power to incinerate people with her pupils (why do you think she has to wear sunglasses 24-7, people?!? She's like Cyclops [the X-Man, not the mythological creature, you nerd]), they'd call her over, too.

Metrosexuals, Rejoice!

Ben Affleck in his "2001 meets The Advocate" debut as L'Oreal's metrosexual shillster is here.

Via Gothamist.